Tear Gland Malfunction.

I am suddenly terrified that I will die before I can convince everyone I know how much I love them and how grateful I am to have them in my life. Every blooming moment I spend not showing people that I care for them is a moment (selfishly) wasted.

X_X

Writing and Worrying.

Today I submitted at least five different works to Yahoo Contributor. I just tossed my writing into the ionosphere for review. Furthermore, I whipped up two entire poems especially for assignments. What a hoot! One was a mother’s day poem while the other was a Shakespearean sonnet.

At first, I was intimidated by the sonnet assignment. I mean, iambic pentameter? Fourteen lines consisting of three quatrains and a couplet? Waaayyyy too specific. I don’t love either of the pieces I came up with, but we shall see if the universe does in due time.

Who are these people that read and judge my poetry? What sort of subjects appeal to them? I wish there were a way to know my editors. *BIG SIGH*

A Dream I once had.

So I wake up and I’m in a really blank apartment. Bare white walls, the sofa I’m laying on is white, the carpet is white- when I say it the apartment sounds sort of sterile in a heavenly way but that’s not what it’s like. This isn’t a pristine, holy white- it’s a dead white. Like if all the lifeblood could be drained from an apartment, this is what it would look like.
Anyway, I’m on the sofa and I look round for the source of my consciousness- and it’s my younger brother, Truth. He looks really eager and nervous. And there’s something else, something off. I ask him what’s wrong and he does his signature “uncomfortable” face and takes me to look out the window.
We’re maybe fifty stories up and my belly squirms with vertigo. Outside has the same deadness as the apartment only there’s an enormous commotion. People rioting- and not in a rebellious way. They all just look confused. It’s not like they’re trying to destroy the world, it’s like they’re trying to destroy themselves because they don’t know what else to do. I go to exchange a concerned look with Truth but he smirks at me and says, “We won’t die.”
I don’t know what he means by this so I ignore it but then he jumps out the window. Fifty stories up and he just jumps right out like it’s nothing. I feel like I’m the one plummeting. When he hits the pavement with a wrenching crunch of broken bones, he gets right back up and looks up at me and waves. Sigh, okay- it’s okay- he’s okay. But I’m not about to follow suit so I take the elevator.
There’s two men in the elevator: Man number one keeps shooting himself in the head, he raises the gun to his crown, pulls the trigger, the bullet rushed through his head, but there’s no blood: no blood, no brain particles, no chunks of skull, nothing. His head jerks back and before he can hit the ground he pops back into the starting position, gun in hand, ready to repeat the process over again, and he does. The other is repeatedly walking into the walls. There’s no talking to these people- they’re completely useless in this state.
Truth runs up to me when I come outside. I can tell that he’s scared but amused. Hundreds of people are in the street, and they’re all trying to kill themselves. They’re running in front of cars, slitting their wrists, nooses hang from every branch of every tree- but nobody is dying.
“What happened to everyone?” I ask Truth, my gaze fixed on a man in a jeep who keeps driving into the same brick building. Truth bites his lip and follows my gaze- the jeep hits the building and the man sort of bounces off the airbag, reverses, then starts it over.
“I think we’re already dead,” Truth answers. I nod distractedly and scan the rest of the crowd but my eyes snap back to Truth. I notice he has a slitting scar across his throat and I see that everyone- every person in the crowd has the same scar. I feel my neck and I’ve got it too.
A blonde guy with a kitchen knife stumbles up to me. I realize that he’s wearing the same expression as everyone else: it’s like a bewildered stupidity. I get the impression that everyone woke up like I did but over the course of the day they lost their minds. It looks like they’re all stuck in a loop. At any rate, the blonde guy’s loop is stabbing himself in the abdomen. He falls into me and I catch him at first but the sight of his idiot face is disgusting so I let him drop.
Truth and I wordlessly agree that we should keep moving so we start walking down the street, dodging the suicidal lunatics. We reach a point where the road veers right and Truth jumps out of the way to not be run over by a Buick Le Sabre- but I’m not so quick as that. I use a tree branch to pull myself up onto the hood and there’s a balding man and his family inside, looking truly horrified. I lunge off the hood into the grass- which is green but with a loss of saturation, like sun damage on an old photo.
There’s a creek past the trees where people are attempting to drown themselves- I shake my head bemusedly. We trudge on without a destination in mind and we see two people we definitely recognize.
Mum and dad with the same scars and expressions as the rest of these maniacs. They look like they’re caught in a loop of killing each other, which is refreshing. Truth throws me an exasperated glance and I know what he’s saying: “Everyone else is killing themselves but mum and dad are at each other. Typical.”
And I’ve lost it. And I wake up and the Fords are eating waffles.

The Instruction Permit.

I am twenty-one years old and unlicensed.

The story goes a little something like this:

I dropped out of high school in the middle of my freshman year. I’d been having seizures and anxiety issues that combined and combusted, causing a total intolerance for the high school atmosphere as well as my peers. There was this intense point in the cafeteria when I felt like I was hearing every single stupid little melodramatic and arrogant conversation being held as if it were right inside my head. They were all so loud, obnoxious and unnecessary. I had a flash of the big picture and realized I did not, for a twinkling, want to spend four years getting caught up in teenage culture.

So, in short, driver’s ed was out of the picture unless I felt like paying the 500 clams.

The years rolled by and my desire to drive decreased to the point of nonexistence. Frankly, cars are a waste of money and driving is a waste of time. Do you people have any idea how much of your lives you spend in the car doing nothing? As a passenger, I can do all sorts of things. As a driver, I have to drive. The end.

Also, cars seem like they are never a good investment. There are always going to be problems and constant upkeep. The fuel is too expensive and the automobile is murdering our planet. Can anyone, with good conscience, support this foolish industry? The driving culture became on par with the once-loathed teenage culture.

So then why did I, a day ago, pass a ridiculously simple driving permit test (I swear there were ten questions- this permits me to drive somehow)?

One possible answer: I’m caving. I’m giving into societal norms.

Another possibility: I’m tired of being dependant on everyone to get places. SO much in my life has been the way it is because I can’t drive myself and have never wanted to. Now that I’m going to be a mama, I don’t want to need the world to drive me around. Very simply, this is freedom.

Scary, I-have-no-idea-how-much-room-the-car-takes-up-on-the-road freedom.

(wish me luck)

Some kind of hobby.

Hey y'all!

I recently joined Yahoo! Contributor!

CHECK ME OUT!!!

Shortly after which, I was published:

POEM!!!

Gimme some internet traffic, and I will <3 you forevermore.

A Seven Card Progression.

I did this spread on the ninth of this month using my niece's deck: The Golden Tarot of Klimt. It was a general "What forces are at work in my life right now?" sort of inquiry.

1. The Past: The Lovers- sensuality, love, passion, profound tie, intimacy.

2. How You Saw Yourself at the Time: 8 Swords Reversed- family impediments, hidden dangers, inability to escape a situation, psychological or emotional dependency.

3. What You Learned: Temperance- moderation, ability to analyze, wisdom, serenity, purity.

4. Your Present Circumstances: Justice- harmony, order, equilibrium, severity.

5. New Circumstance About to enter Your Life: The Hanged Man Reversed- sacrifice, punishment, reconsideration, humiliation.

6. How They Will Affect You: 4 Wands- agreement, prosperity, successful opportunities, sharing of happiness.

7. The Outcome: Knight of Chalices Reversed- short lived love affairs, escape from reality, useless undertakings, dissatisfaction.

SoOo that made me justly nervous about my THEN upcoming visit to Minnesota. >.<

Ready, Set, Go.

I am 27 weeks pregnant with the above-pictured little lady. She spends her days dancing and wiggling in a warm dark pool, unaware that her every movement makes me smile. I like to entertain the idea that, at one point, I could bring such unadulterated joy to someone without trying.

In under ten weeks she'll be thrust into the world, screaming her head off in reaction to the blindingly bright and comparatively cool hospital room. As it is, she cannot possibly fathom what lies before her.

Is it naive to imagine that my concept of reality is any better informed than hers? I've been residing in this comfortable little reality womb my whole life, more or less. At the least, this reality is a little bigger than what she's accustomed to. >.<